


Prestige

by crazed_peanut



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, And a lot of tears, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hurt Phil, M/M, Sad, minor smut mention, that's pretty much really, vday vid mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 02:56:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6547807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazed_peanut/pseuds/crazed_peanut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some classic 2012 angst for you, because I'm just that original.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prestige

**Author's Note:**

> The events and characters of this story are a figment of my imagination.  
> Enjoy!

Dan’s been keeping his distance ever since the video leaked, trying to figure out what to do on his own. Phil doesn’t like that. That’s not what couples do, that’s not how a team works. Dan doesn’t seem to understand. He tries to deal by throwing blame and the occasional object across the room. Phil is hurting, because they can’t meet in the middle on anything. All they’ve been doing for the past couple of days is fight because Phil wants to ignore it and Dan wants to face it head first, with lies. That plan has absolutely no appeal to Phil, he could predict all the ways it could go wrong and the negatives far outweigh the positives in his mind. He insist on just ignoring it. On the internet, it works- he pretends no post referencing the video actually exists. At home, it’s a battlefield. Half of the time is screaming, the other half is deadly silence.

 It was one of the quiet afternoons, after Dan had slammed his door shut at 11 am. They were both suffering in silence and Phil preferred that. At half nine at night they bumped into each other in the hallway. Dan’s eyes were soft, and so was his hand when he reached for Phil’s. His words came out in a jumble, but they were almost muffled, whispered in Phil’s ear. There were promises of _we’ll figure this out_ and _I’ll love you forever_ and in his stupid lonely mind Phil let himself be persuaded. He let himself be pushed inside his bedroom, on his own bed, let himself be straddled and kissed and bitten. He didn’t realize when Dan’s touches transformed from gentle to harsh, bordering on painful. His head was swimming, because he was high on Dan’s attention. On all fours, Phil would occasionally turn his head to look at Dan and every time he did Dan had his eyes closed. Phil pretended it’s because Dan was just enjoying it that much, he pretended that he didn’t mind how rough Dan was with him, pretended it was normal, because it felt good being taken and loved.

That was last night. Phil wishes he could say they were drunk, but they weren’t. Phil was just lonely. He never did do well without a person to give attention to, from whom to receive the same back. Now Phil’s on his side in his bed, laptop positioned half on his leg, half on the duvet. He’s not comfortable being on his back, or sitting, because every movement causes a rub and a sharp pain in his bottom. Dan left bruises on his hips too, that’s how hard he was gripping. Phil traces his fingers absentmindedly over them. He pushes down and winces. It actually fricking hurts and he wonders _Is this love._

Phil’s completely aware that more often than not Dan lets his decisions be affected by emotions. He shouldn’t be surprised when Dan starts lashing out at fans, and yet he is. He thinks he might as well read Dan’s ramblings and listen to the little liveshow clips that emerge on YouTube. The least he can do is have the same (false) explanation as Dan. This, however, is not something he can get behind in a million years. His tolerance is exhausted with _we met through a mutual friend._ Everything else makes Phil’s heart clench with doubt, and anger, and fear. At first he convinces himself that how Dan behaves online- as if Phil (or the thought of being with him) repulses him, is only an act he puts up. However, this seeming “act” is seeping into their personal lives as well. They don’t touch anymore, let alone sleep together, in fact they’re barely civil with each other. Dan refuses to acknowledge any part of that, he hides from Phil and fumes online.

The bruises on his hips are long faded, but Phil’s in pain. He can’t help but believe everything Dan puts on the internet, not after he’s stuck with it. Phil believes all of it- that they’re just friends, that “phan was never real”, that “it was a joke”, that Phil’s repulsive, because Lord knows Dan’s acting like it. This goes on for a while and Phil can’t help but think _This isn’t love._

Phil tries to convince himself it will get easier. Dan’s stopped reacting to every post online, he’s mostly quiet and reserved now, but the walls that they built privately are still there. No one’s apologizing anymore, they’re actually being friendly and Phil realizes that their intimate relationship disappeared in a puff of smoke. He can’t help but compare their situation to a magic act, he can’t help but wait for its prestige. Where does he even know this from? Oh, right. That movie. He wonders what price he has to pay to live to the end of his magic trick. That’s in the back of his mind. In reality Dan and him are colleagues, sometimes even friends. Phil’s always been good at adapting. They have a new routine and it’s his normal now. It’s fine, Phil thinks, this is fine. If Dan could hear him, he’d laugh, because it’s everything but.

For a few days now the atmosphere in the flat is tense. Nothing happened, but Dan’s closed himself up again, he rarely looks up from his lap when he’s sitting next to Phil and Phil heard him cry two nights in a row now. He can practically feel Dan’s inner turmoil radiating off his body, but he knows better than to ask. He knows better and he waits. He cries too, but no sound comes out. He has to change his pillowcase in the middle of the night though.

On the third night Dan shuts himself in his room right after 9 pm. Phil hangs around in the lounge a bit longer and then makes his way to his own bed. He’s exhausted, but he knows he won’t be able to go to sleep right away. He passes by Dan’s door and the sounds coming from inside are nothing short of concerning. Dan’s crying again, but it sounds like his body is being ripped in two. Phil’s legs refuse to work. He tries to will them towards his own room, but his body and soul are protesting against his mind. He doesn’t bother knocking, Dan’s wailing, he won’t hear it. He steps inside and closes the door behind him. It’s completely dark and he allows his eyes to get used to it for a few seconds. Then he walks over to the general direction of the sobbing and sits on the ground, as close to Dan as he can. There’s short fumbling and a night stand light comes on. It illuminates half of Dan’s face, which is red and puffy from crying and so, so beautiful. Phil never wants to see it carrying the same damaged look he’s staring at ever again. The situation is so fucked up, he doesn’t even know where to start making it better. His mind draws a blank on what to say, so he gathers Dan in his arms and squeezes tight. Dan lets himself be cuddled for all of 30 seconds before he bolts up and starts pacing around the room. Phil stays on the floor, but his eyes follow his friend closely. Suddenly Dan’s mouth opens and words start pouring out, unintelligible and nonsensical. Phil makes out _I don’t deserve you, why do you love me, why are you here, just leave while you still can,_ then it’s quiet for a minute before a litany of _I’m sorry_ sounds in the room. Dan’s saying it over and over, his voice becomes raspy with the words and Phil thinks he might vomit. This is too much, he doesn’t even know what exactly Dan’s apologizing for, but he just goes on and on _I’m sorry I’m so sorry_ and instead of shouting  at him to stop, Phil all but runs to the toilet and retches out his dinner. He spends 10 minutes clutching the toilet bowl and another five gathering his composure in the bathroom. He wishes he didn’t know Dan as well as he does. He goes straight to his own bedroom, because he knows the other man is going to be in there. It used to be the shared bedroom, never the battlefield, always the place for making up. Dan stands in the middle of it, stares straight into Phil’s eyes, calm and determined. He begins by saying _I’m sorry_ again and this time Phil can’t take it anymore.

“Why, Dan, do you even know all the things you did wrong?!”

Dan takes a step back, startled by Phil’s raised tone, but he collects himself quickly and starts talking. Phil can tell he’s practiced this speech more than once. He apologizes for every single thing he’s done since the video first leaked. He’s aware of how bad he’s treated Phil, he says. He’s not ashamed, Phil’s not his dirty little secret he promises. He gives his word that he’ll never be like that again, that he loves Phil forever, that he’ll make an effort. It’s all eerily similar to the last time they had sex, to before that, when Dan made all the same promises. Now he seems to mean them, at least something makes Phil believe that. There’s a tugging in his chest that draws him away from the doorframe, where he’s been stood until now. It leads him to the center of the room, close enough to Dan so he feels his body heat, it’s powerful and devastating all at once and Phil thinks _Is this love?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This is the result of a challenge I gave myself- to write something entirely from Phil's perspective. Also, writing phanfics is my coping mechanism, so even if they're not good or original, I'll keep posting them.  
> Stop by in the comments and hit the kudos if you enjoyed this. Also, read my other fics here (since I don't have a tumblr)


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